Oh wow, I didn't post anything throughout this semester! Gee, I wonder why...*sigh* but seriously, life has been so uneventful. And as usual, I'm still feeling like a machine, if that's even possible. I just finished my (one and only) exam last Monday and now I'm welcoming summer holidays! Various things happened in the last couple of months, but they weren't enough to make it to this blog. Not that anyone would care, though. Assuming that readers of this blog is pretty much nonexistent.

I haven't changed much, I'm still fangirling for K-pop (almost 1 year! I should celebrate it next month...), still single, and still unsure about the future. I've always thought I got the future in my hands, but it's pretty hard to get it out to reality. I seriously feel like drinking vodka until I pass out or something, there are things in my head that I just want to let go.

Getting over the fact that I'm still fangirling, I think I'm ready for a new relationship. Sure, it hasn't been a year since I broke up and became single again, but technically (since my last relationship was an LDR anyway) it has been a LONG TIME. Throughout my relationships in the past, there was only one relationship that didn't start from online gaming, and that relationship was with a girl. Yes, I dated a girl once, very briefly, what can I say, everyone's bicurious at some point. Then I realised I like men. I don't know. Then this got me thinking...am I THAT unattractive in real life?

I know my red hair can be...intimidating (?) at times, but seriously, is my physique not attractive enough for people to try to get to know me more? Sure, I think lately I can come across as quite cold during first meetings or if I don't have any interest in that person for whatever reasons (and I get really awkward in social situations that involve a fucking lot of people), but I'm friendly and easy to talk to, I just don't get why people don't approach me. I mean, dafuq did I do? Sheesh. I know I'm not gorgeous and I look nowhere like a model, but I'm not that filth of a human being either, right? What is it that make people don't want to approach me?

If a gorgeous girl acts similarly like I do, she'll always get people approaching her because she's the epitome of social-constructed beauty. Even if she wants to act like an ass or like a slut, it's all forgivable because she's pretty. That's how fucked up the society is. And of course, she'll always be remembered by everyone, because she's pretty. And I'm just a red headed girl. And probably an ugly one at that. Haha. It doesn't seem like I have a space to complain, do I?

I just want to have someone who thinks that I'm beautiful for whoever I am. And that someone would love me no matter what. But then again, what is love? I can never tell. After months (probably the whole semester), tonight is the first night I finally able to cry because I FEEL SAD. And actually, it feels good. I wanted to cry this out. Just cry to sleep, and hope to feel better tomorrow morning. I want to be able to feel that I'm a gorgeous woman again. For the last few months, I've been a machine because I wanted to feel sad about things that happened, yet, I couldn't.

You, whoever you out there, know me...and...love me.